...I watched her walk down what seemed like a never-ending hallway. I stood immovable, in a trance, until she was no longer in sight. Once she disappeared, I was able to resume getting ready for school. I fought to hold back tears as I told myself that I was wrong and going crazy.
Later that day, my mom picked me up from school as usual. It wasn’t out of the ordinary that my aunt was also in the car. But, why was my sister’s boyfriend there when she wasn’t? I could feel the stiffness in the air as we drove home. Then, all I could think was, “That’s it. She’s gone. She’s not coming back. She’s dead!”
The waterfall of tears started, but everyone in the car was so in a trance that no one saw me crying. I wiped the tears and gathered the strength and confidence to speak, “Mom, where’s my sister?”
The immediate hesitation was confirmation enough. “Um…she’s not home right now…”
Soon enough, we arrived home. My mom told me to put my backpack in my room and come back to the living room because she had something to tell me. I moved as slowly as I could. Although I already knew, hearing the words would ensure that it wasn’t a nightmare or me losing my mind.
As I went back into the living room, my mom really knew no other way to say it but, “She’s dead!” BOOM! Immediately, I screamed and the waterfall of tears crashed through the wall of strength.
Earlier that morning, as my sister and I shared the bathroom to both get dressed for school, “something” told me, she was going to die. I was just a child and didn’t really go to church much, so I was very unfamiliar with the Holy Spirit and how God speaks. For all I knew, I was going crazy. In fact, I sort of thought I was and chose to ignore what I knew and was feeling. Yet, I was able to tell her that I loved her that morning, although that had no effect on the pain I felt.
Along with the pain, I also suffered because I thought it was my fault for not saying anything. Of course, I know now that nothing I said could’ve changed God’s plan for her that day.
Or was it God’s plan? Could we have prayed over her and changed what happened that day? Because I was silent, I will never know. That’s a prime reason that I cannot afford to remain silent regarding what I know about God. People perish because of a lack of knowledge, and I refuse to let anyone else perish just because I’ve chosen to be silent. I might have been silent then about God speaking, but since I am now familiar with many ways that God speaks, I will speak (unless He tells me to be silent).
Note: Silence isn’t golden if God gives you the words to speak. Those words are worth a lot more than gold.